7/29/2004 - Intelligent Humor - For YOUR MOTHER!

Maybe I get a little "Woody Allen" or "Dennis Miller" with my sense of humor.  The post after this one (which was, chronologically, before this one) has a sort of cerebral joke in it.  If you haven't read the post yet, please read the one after this first.  That way, if you don't catch my "goober humor", you can come back, read this post for an explanation, and then go back and re-read the next (previous) post with the new insight.  That way, it's like reading two posts for the price of one - like looking at the world from a new point of view.

So go read "Party Of One" if you haven't already.  Then come back here...

... for the explanation.  My joke is that I've been repressing my loneliness, and the horoscope brought it out.  See?  We had foreshadowing - "...insight into what is in the brain, but repressed", a setup, the punchline - "does that seem rude to anyone else?", I emotionally string you all along, and finally a big one-two punch at the end - "party of one, please!".  This kind of stuff just cracks my action RIGHT up.  I am my own entertainment.  My own... lonely... entertainment.

I joke a lot about repressing my emotions, and then I'll just let them out in a big mess, then finally act like it's really funny.  But, sometimes, I don't feel funny.  I get afraid that people won't catch my humor, and then they'll think less of me.  When I was a child, I drew a picture for my grandmother of stick figures running around a room, and there was a door that had a sign, which read "Egg-Zit".  My mom said "Jay, it's spelled E-X-I-T", and I said "I know, but my way is funny".  My mom made me change it so my grandma wouldn't think I'm dumb.  To this day, I see an Exit sign, and think "damn you, world... damn you!  My way's funnier!"  But I remain silent.

7/29/2004 - Party Of One

I read my horoscope.  Not that I believe in astrology or anything.  Rather, I believe that horoscopes can be vague enough to trigger a thought in one's head based on their own interpretation, giving insight into what is in the brain, but repressed.  Kinda like that Horshack Test.

So I actually read one that is customized for my very birthday, on My Yahoo, and this is what it said to me today.  "...be ready for a party -- a party of one, that is."

Does that seem rude to anyone else?  I mean, okay, yeah, I'm divorced.  And yeah, I broke up with S***n.  And all my friends are going to a party next Saturday while I have to go take care of a show that no one's going to go to anyway.  And I'm going to be all alone on my birthday.  But really, should my freakin' horoscope be taking a poke at me like that?  I now think of my horoscope as a living being, saying "Jay, Jay, here's you, here's you... 'party of one, please!'"  Freakin' jerk.

Oh, and yeah, I realize that it's a "Rorschach Test", not a "Horshack Test".

7/28/2004 - Funds Transfer

I just got one of those emails from some dude whose dad was President of Lambada, but he died with like 22 million dollars hidden in a mule, and now they need me to launder the money.  The funniest thing was that he felt convinced by "my profile" that he could trust me.  The only profile he could possibly be talking about is:
http://profiles.yahoo.com/jcvonrosen
Obviously, a man who can quote Beck and lists "actin' the fool" as a hobby must be trustworthy enough to handle 22 million smackers.
Okay, I know the rule - never reply to spam.  But I couldn't resist...

DUDE!  SWEET!  My bank account number is 8675309!

Oh, man, I've heard of these kinds of things happening before, but I never thought it could happen to me!

7/28/2004 - My Sweet Little Dutch Boo

I had a drink with MSLDB (My Sweet Little Dutch Boo) last night, and we get to talking about relationships and how I'm still missing S***n, and what type of person I am, and who I attract, and how I continually attract girls who don't really want me, but they've been conditioned by society and Oprah to think that they do.  So MSLDB tells me what she finds attractive about me...
MSLDB: "You're sweet, and nice... and you're approachable.  You're not intimidating"
Juan:  "Aw, crap, Boo, you know how tired I am of hearing that?"
MSLDB: "You can't change who you are, Jay"

So then we started talking about how I've avoided "The L Word" with women for well over a year now (although I wasn't 100% successful in avoiding that with S***n).  I went into how a young lady brought up that word last December, and how, at the time, I knew less about this girl than I know about MSLDB.  Women!  They don't know me.  How could they start feeling like that?So here's My Sweet Little Dutch Boo, in her Sweet Little Dutch Way...

"Jay... I know we've only known each other for about a month... but, well... I love you"

Actually, it went more like this...

MSLDB: "HAHAHAHA!  You know what would be too funny?  If I got all serious right now [giggle] and go 'Jay, I love you!'"
Juan:  "Aw, crap!  This SAME THING happened to me last night!"

So now that's our little joke.
MSLDB: "Jay, I love you"
Juan:  "Aw, crap!"

The Funniest Thing EVER!

Here's a fun little game you can play at home to pass the time.  This will give you some great insight into how my goofy little mind works.

This game is based on the pesky habit some people have, in which they add "in bed" to every fortune received in a fortune cookie at a Chinese restaurant.  Examples...
Fortune: "The superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions"... IN BED!
Fortune: "If you enjoy what you do, you'll never work another day in your life"... IN BED!
Fortune: "You will be blessed with great riches"... IN BED!

My variation on this game is to add the phrase "In my pants!" to the end of every movie title.  Some classic examples...
Anaconda... IN MY PANTS!
21 Grams... IN MY PANTS!
Mission Impossible... IN MY PANTS!
Tales From The Crypt... IN MY PANTS!
I, Robot... IN MY PANTS!
Intolerable Cruelty... IN MY PANTS!

You get the picture.  Just think of the possibilities.  You're ready to go see a movie with your parents, and you ask "What would you guys like to see?"
"Oh!  How about Scooby Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed?"
...

7/14/2004 - Reel Me Back In

My friend Inigo (name changed to protect the innocent) had to reel me back in like a fish today. I was off swimming into the vast open ocean of emotional brine in which so many of us bathe merrily on a daily basis. Yes, that same immeasurable ocean in which some revel in the mad currents that keep us out of control of our own lives. The same ocean of emptiness that tastes like the sweet tears of despair. I'm not talking like this to be artistic - I'm being quite facetious.

And yet, I was swimming out. I was about to submerge, and I knew I was losing control of my emotions. So I IM'ed Inigo. And it went something like this...

Juan de la Rosa: Dude
Inigo Montoya: Sup
Juan de la Rosa: I need you to talk me down
Inigo Montoya: Oh no, what happened
Juan de la Rosa: I'm thinking of contacting S***n
Inigo Montoya: Nah, dude, you gotta let her come to you when she knows what she wants. That's the only way you both can be happy.
Juan de la Rosa: You're right
Inigo Montoya: I know
Juan de la Rosa: Thanks - I feel better
Inigo Montoya: You got it, baby

I've paraphrased most of that conversation, and I threw the "you got it, baby" in there, even though Inigo would never say anything like that. I just thought it would be funny.

So I put "Hey Hey What Can I Do" in WinAmp and set it on repeat. That's been going for about 4 hours now. It's great being a guy. All I need is some Zep, the All Star game, a beer, and a place where I can pee outside, and I am completely content. And my remote control. And this chair. And that's ALL I need. Oh, and this slinky.

7/12/2004 - I Am Really Tired

I'm really tired today. Tired, sad, lonely and depressed. I feel like... dang, I don't know. I think I'm confused to top it all off. I'm just a medley of bum-ya-out kinda stuff today.

I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. Sleep is important. Whenever I feel depressed, I take a little time, eat a healthy meal, stay away from the booze, do something peaceful and relaxing, and get a good night's sleep. Yup. "Nothing that a good night's sleep won't cure" is what my future grandchildren will hear me say.

People nowadays don't take enough responsibility for their emotions. We expect to feel good all the time, and when we don't, we try to figure out why we're not feeling good. People try to find what there is to blame for their negative emotions and remove it from their lives.

However, I think that this is futile. I think that the natural state of a human being is wanting.

Sometimes all we need is a good night's sleep. We can deal with the natural strains of life better then.

7/9/2004 - The Unfunniest Clown

I haven't written anything for a while. You want to know why? No you don't. Okay, I'll tell you. Super-Smart Mega-Genius Jehosaphat F. Peabody broke up with the most perfect girl in the universe a few weeks back. Yeah, that's right. I found my third ex-wife, and apparantly decided to save some time and just leave her now. Save myself a few bucks, y'know?

Aside from that, things have been absolutely ducky. Yup, aside from a bleeding heart stabbed repeatedly with the rusty blades of my own self torment, things have been allllll right. I'll just make myself a great big helping of F***!

But back to the subject. I'm like that thing in every children's story - the misfit. I'm a funny guy. That's what I do - it's my life. And I'm feeling like the one funny guy in the world who is the totally unfunniest guy around. Like the elf that wanted to be a dentist. Or the little train that couldn't pull a big load. Heh. "Load".

6/30/2004 - I Had A Good Day Yesterday

Yesterday had some real positive vibes in it. I got the headliner for the 7/3 show booked; I had lunch with Faith, who is always fun to talk to; I took my first Economics test and I think I did well; I had a hearty dinner; then I watched 10 innings of a decent ball game.

So what's missing? Probably sex and booze. I didn't have any sex or booze yesterday. There was something inside of me that said "Jay, things are going well... time for some sex and booze". Am I a bad person? Nah. I had my cake, now I want the icing.

I downloaded the new Yahoo Messenger last night, and I feel violated. It put icons all over the place. It tried to make their web mail my default mail client. Let me repeat that... it tried to make their WEB MAIL my default mail client. Furthermore, I now have the most irritating smiley known to man in my system tray. It did some very cruel things to me, and now all it can do is smile at me. I feel like I've been molested by a mime.

6/29/2004 - Bleeeeaaaaarrrrrrgggghhhh!!!!!

Bookin' shows, drinkin' beers, kickin' butts, takin' names. You! Name! [smack!]

6/28/2004 - Messed Up

I've figured it out. I like being messed up. I love dysfunctional relationships and pain and loss. I must love it. I keep doing it over and over.

6/25/2004 - I Am A Sucker

I was called "witty" today by some girl I never met. That is a sure fire way to get a guy, ladies, or at least a sucker like me. Honestly, I logically know that girls are taught this somewhere. I'm sure Cosmo has an article that says "call him 'witty'", but it works. Part of me is thinking "I've got to meet this girl". Why? I don't know. Cosmo has it all figured out. I sure don't.

6/24/2004 - What I Want In A Woman

There's a multitude of reasons why I haven't found happiness in a relationship, despite trying heartily for over half of my life. Oh, and I'm not dissuaded, so don't think I'm throwing in the towel and being bitter, despite trying heartily for over half of my life. Back to my point, though... today, I will reflect on reason #1275 that Jay has not found a blissful relationship.

I want attributes that don't stereotypically match in a single woman. I want a Compassionate Conservative. A girl who can yell "Free Mumia!" and bakes good cookies. A girl with a good job who likes to party hard. A girl who can feel as at home at Bomacs as at Lochmoor.

It doesn't fit the mold. However, I think I can/should get a Compassionate Conservative as a woman. I am a Compassionate Conservative. Everyone's going to say right now "yeah, Jay, everyone wants that, join the club", but I don't think you idiots are listening to me. I know which fork to use. I snuck a shot of Popov with a homeless dude the other day. Everyone says "oh, yeah, I'm like that, too". Liars. I want a pretty, stuck-up girl who says things that freak people out. I want a party girl that says "can you take a shower, because I don't want you touching me when you smell all icky".

Anyone know any Compassionate Conservative women who like goofy bass players?

Past Ramblings On Their Way

Okay - this makes some sense. So here we go, kids. I'm going to start posting some of my past ramblings in this crazy new world of "blog". I've dated the titles, so you can see when I wrote them, even though they will all be posted in rapid succession right now...

Ooga chagga - ooga chagga...

First Day Blogging

Okay, I'm not too smart. This is my first day blogging. I've written a few things over the past couple weeks, but I haven't posted them anywhere. Now I need to figure this thing out so I can post them.
Bear with me, please.