5/10/2005 - Compulsive Behavior - Analysis

I compulsively analyze things, too. Not only do I suddenly get an urge to throw scalding hot coffee on an innocent person, I subsequently sit down and analyze why I would think such a thing.

Do I want to hurt anyone? Heavens, no! I like people. Genuinely, I really like people. However, there was something in my head, similar to cartoon violence, that was thirsting for a shock, something out of the prescribed line.

I wanted to derail the train. I was heading back to my computer, to sit down and put on the damned headphones and program for the 120th time this year, for the 1500th time since I started at this company, for the 4000th time in my career, for the 6000th time in my life.

Do I need a vacation? Will one week work out all of the knots? Maybe alcohol or medication will solve everything. Or sex. It's worth a try.

Or maybe it's the fact that I see America totally engrossed in Michael Jackson's trial and I drove by a rotting school with a rusty playground on Sunday. I hear more about fraudulent fingers in fast food than I hear about how we can convince parents not to smoke pot in front of their children. When my girlfriend was pregnant in high school, I had a guy tell me "me and my girlfriend had it scraped." And worst of all, whenever I get worked up like this, I hear people say "relax, man". No, I can't relax! America's not living up to its promise if the citizens lull themselves into complacency.

I can't shake this feeling. I'm sitting in front of a computer making a few rich guys even richer, and some kid is on a playground right now getting the crap beat out of him because the assailant's dad beats him; some kid is eating stale bread for lunch; some girl is being abaondoned by the guy who knocked her up; some guy is trying cocaine for the first time and realizing that it's the first time in his life that he felt connected and in control, and the chances are that that is his only hope of ever having that feeling.

And Simon bitched out someone else on American Idol (I assume). Isn't that fun?

Families are being broken, cars are getting larger, debt is getting deeper, banks are getting richer, and people are sitting back and saying "It's George Bush". No it's not! It's US!

Take back America! It's not the government's fault! We're the ones who wanted to be free! Take some damned responsibility!

Cartoon violence is bad, because it makes people think thoughts other then those established by authority as acceptable. Thinking anything other than good thoughts makes you a bad person.

Did anyone else actually read 1984, or did you yanks just watch the movie?

I read a quote from Zack de la Rocha today - "Anger is a gift". Merry Christmas! STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE TOLD AND START DOING WHAT'S RIGHT!