5/16/2005 - Discontent

Okay, I don't have the dates in front of me, but a few days ago, I stopped taking St. John's Wort. Then I started eating a lot. Then I felt compulsive. Then I got ready to start a revolution. Then "Made With REAL Chicken" McNuggets, and then everything was good again.

Actually, everything wasn't good, but then, in a way, it was better than ever. I felt discontented. And as I thought about that, I realized that that was good.

I didn't have anything external to keep my mind feeling positive. I was left to naturally feel frustration. That isn't to imply that St. John's Wort took away all feelings of frustration, but I felt like it did make me feel less compulsive, thus at ease.

But that's when things started to clarify in my mind. I felt frustrated with things. And I think that I'm supposed to feel frustrated. Frustration, anger, discontent, and compulsiveness are like physical pain - avoiding the feelings can bring more damage into your life.

Pretending that things are good can leave one more damaged. Easing the pain artificially has become the standard approach for society. Watch TV. Drink beer. Smoke weed. Take anti-depressants.

I know a dude who just broke up with his girlfriend, who mistreated him. He smoked weed to deal with it. But all the weed in the world couldn't change the inevitable - the relationship had to end. The respect for him as a human being was not being shown, and, instead of standing up and demanding it, he smoked.

Life is a journey riddled with discontent. We will never reach that day when everything is right, and everyone treats us with respect. But we can't stop moving towards that as if that were an achievable goal. I've seen too many people give up and find a favorite opiate.

Discontent is a gift, proof that we have been given an infinite gift of free will.

5/11/2005 - Revolution On Hold

I'm cool today, everyone. I'm going to put the revolution on hold for a bit, since I don't feel quite so riled up today. Last night, I ate 37 Chicken McNuggets and rubbed Victoria's Secret "Pretty Pretty Princess" lotion all over my body, then I woke up this morning stuck to the sheets, with the sensation that I truly do love being led by the profit-minded.

HA! Fooled ya! The revolution will proceed! I CANNOT BE PACIFIED!

5/10/2005 - Compulsive Behavior - Analysis

I compulsively analyze things, too. Not only do I suddenly get an urge to throw scalding hot coffee on an innocent person, I subsequently sit down and analyze why I would think such a thing.

Do I want to hurt anyone? Heavens, no! I like people. Genuinely, I really like people. However, there was something in my head, similar to cartoon violence, that was thirsting for a shock, something out of the prescribed line.

I wanted to derail the train. I was heading back to my computer, to sit down and put on the damned headphones and program for the 120th time this year, for the 1500th time since I started at this company, for the 4000th time in my career, for the 6000th time in my life.

Do I need a vacation? Will one week work out all of the knots? Maybe alcohol or medication will solve everything. Or sex. It's worth a try.

Or maybe it's the fact that I see America totally engrossed in Michael Jackson's trial and I drove by a rotting school with a rusty playground on Sunday. I hear more about fraudulent fingers in fast food than I hear about how we can convince parents not to smoke pot in front of their children. When my girlfriend was pregnant in high school, I had a guy tell me "me and my girlfriend had it scraped." And worst of all, whenever I get worked up like this, I hear people say "relax, man". No, I can't relax! America's not living up to its promise if the citizens lull themselves into complacency.

I can't shake this feeling. I'm sitting in front of a computer making a few rich guys even richer, and some kid is on a playground right now getting the crap beat out of him because the assailant's dad beats him; some kid is eating stale bread for lunch; some girl is being abaondoned by the guy who knocked her up; some guy is trying cocaine for the first time and realizing that it's the first time in his life that he felt connected and in control, and the chances are that that is his only hope of ever having that feeling.

And Simon bitched out someone else on American Idol (I assume). Isn't that fun?

Families are being broken, cars are getting larger, debt is getting deeper, banks are getting richer, and people are sitting back and saying "It's George Bush". No it's not! It's US!

Take back America! It's not the government's fault! We're the ones who wanted to be free! Take some damned responsibility!

Cartoon violence is bad, because it makes people think thoughts other then those established by authority as acceptable. Thinking anything other than good thoughts makes you a bad person.

Did anyone else actually read 1984, or did you yanks just watch the movie?

I read a quote from Zack de la Rocha today - "Anger is a gift". Merry Christmas! STOP DOING WHAT YOU'RE TOLD AND START DOING WHAT'S RIGHT!

5/9/2005 - Compulsive Behavior

Does anyone else get a sudden, irresistable desire to throw scalding hot coffee on a perfectly innocent person?

No?

Just me?

Maybe I need to take a little time to unwind.

5/8/2005 - Some More of The World's Greatest Stuff

The greatest song in the universe: Cat Stevens - Father and Son
The greatest quote I've read in the past hour: "If there is anything more important than my ego, I want it captured and shot."

5/2/2005 - I CAN'T STOP EATING!

In the past five minutes, I have eaten:

• a handful of sunflower seeds


• a handful of jellybeans


• a piece of pumpernickel toast with nearly a quarter stick of butter on it


• my nanny's BP credit card

Like all things in my life, there is an amusing back-story.

A few months back, I started taking that St. John's Wort. Not because I was depressed, but because I just like to trip out. I feel like it's my responsibility in life to know as much as I can about everything that I'm curious about, and, since I turned away from the illegal things about 17 years ago, herbs are my kick now.

Yohimbe works! It can give you a stroke, though, so go easy on it. I just keep a little bottle safely tucked away for my "binges" of three beers and a Yohimbe pill broken in half. I live life in my own little fast lane.

Back to St. John's Wort - almost immediately, I noticed something. I felt no desire to compulsively do things. I felt a little more "at ease". Not happier, just no inner sense that I had to do something compulsively. It was cool. This meant that I didn't feel like eating unless I was actually hungry or drinking unless I was actually thirsty. Pretty sweet, huh?

I've been feeling like pills are getting too integral in my life, though. I had been taking vitamin E, a vitamin B complex, some Ginkgo Biloba for my slow brain, something like Tagamet because I've inherited acid-reflux (thanks, Dad), and the St. John's Wort. Last Friday, I skipped most of them, and then haven't taken anything since then.

Now I have this feeling like I must devour everything in my sight. The compulsiveness is back. It's no big whup, since everything I eat just happens to be delicious! I look around the house, surveying everything with one lone thought in my head - "edible?"

If the answer's "yes", then I feel like we're all winners.

5/1/2005 - Leadership

I've been thinking a lot about leadership lately. A thought was recently triggered by a statement from a friend, which was that conveying confidence was the most important trait. I'm not sure I agree with that 100%.

I think that a focus on conveying confidence is akin to curing a cold by refusing to wipe ones nose. Showing a symptom of leadership is not actually leadership.

If someone states a point to me with confidence, I usually don't argue. I allow the person to make their statement, since it is their own integrity that they are putting on the line. However, if I later find out that the person's statement was not accurate, my respect for them suffers. I don't think that I'm alone in this.

If a leader conveys confidence, and is later proven to be incorrect, there is very little motivation to follow that leader in any situation except when there is nothing better to do. Once there is something better to do, the leader is abandoned by the followers. Some very convincing leaders who have perfected conveying confidence can keep followers from abandoning them by conveying confidence that the decision to abandon is a bad decision.

I personally don't like to follow out of fear of not following.

My father kept integrity as his main focus throughout his career. He would not state a position that he did not firmly believe in, and he worked slowly but surely into a position of authority. He ended his career leading over a thousand people, albeit as second in command at his company. His belief, and mine, is that it is the responsibility of the second in command to take the leader's ideas, pick out the ones that will work, and then make them happen. More substance, less glamour. More than once, I had people tell me that my father was one of the few executives they knew that they unquestioningly respected. He had proven his integrity.

Integrity is the long road to leadership. Confidence is a by-product of integrity.