2/24/2005 - Still Here

I'm still alive, kids. What a week, though. It's been one of those weeks that seems like it was a whole month.

Anyway, I have four or five witty blog posts that are about 75% done. I have an aversion to ever completing or fully committing emotionally to anything, though. Has anyone else noticed that?

When I was younger, I had such a freakish sex drive that it caused me to make a lot of bad decisions, kinda like in Paradise By The Dashboard Light...

I couldn't take it any longer, Lord I was crazed
And when the feeling came upon me like a tidal wave
I started swearing to my god and on my mother's grave
That I would love you to the end of time
I swore that I would love you to the end of time!

Now that I've got a 34 year old man's libido, I'm not feeling pressed to make bad decisions, but I haven't had any practice at making good decisions. So I sit in this Zen-like state of nearly non-existence.

Oh well. When I figure it all out, I'll let you all know. Gotta go get some good sleep because I have a show tomorrow night. Golly.

2/20/2005 - Dating Application

A dear sweet sexy reader asked in the comments to Other People's Eyes for an app. I assume that this is a request for an application to date me. So here it is:

1: Are you really really hot, so hot that guys don't ever talk to you in bars because they're too intimidated, until they've gotten so much alcohol in them that they act like a major jackass?
- Yes - ignore the rest of this questionnaire and proceed directly to the Form Submission section.
- No - proceed to question 2

2: Are you intelligent? (intelligent is defined as either IQ of 120 or greater, or able to demonstrate above average intellect by using multisyllabic words correctly, such as "multisyllabic")
- Yes - proceed to question 4
- No - proceed to question 3

3: Do you read Cosmopolitan, and want to try out their suggestions on me?
- Yes - proceed to question 4
- No - do not go any further. You are not eligible.

4: Do you think I'm funny?
- Yes - proceed to question 5
- No - stop reading now. Honestly, if you're not enjoying this, why the hell are you reading it?

5: Do you have children?
- Yes - proceed to question 6
- No - proceed to question 7

6: Do you let television and ritalin raise your children?
- Yes - stop now, and go take care of your kids
- No - proceed to question 7

7: Have you ever killed someone that you were romantically involved with?
- Yes - proceed to question 8
- No - proceed to question 9

8: Did he deserve it?
- Yes - proceed to question 9
- No - stop now. Don't look at my email address. Navigate away from this page, clear your history, and forget that I even exist.

9: Which of the following best describes you?
- I can't stop partying and getting drunk, and I love weed, and I'm on ecstacy right now - stop now. Where did you find time to read this?
- I am adventurous and fun-loving, and I like roller-coasters, ballgames, live music, dancing, parties, friends, and anything fun - proceed to question 10
- I like adventure, but I also like some down time at home to watch a movie and relax with whoever I'm dating - proceed to the Form Submission section
- I don't get out too much - proceed to question 11
- I don't like people - stop now. Read my archives for something to do. Really, there's a lot. This way, you can live my life vicariously, all without any risk to yourself.

10: What is the best part of getting out and having a good time?
- Having someone I like to do fun things with - proceed to Form Submission section
- Running away from the misery of my life - stop now. Cheer up, but don't contact me.

11: Why don't you get out much?
- I don't have someone to share it with, even though I'd love to try new things - proceed to Form Submission section.
- I am apprehensive, and I don't like risk - stop now. Cheer up, but don't contact me.


Form Submission
If you made it here, send your photo to jcvonrosen@yahoo.com, and put "Date Jay Form Submission" in the subject.

2/18/2005 - Dinner With My Boys

I own two of the most perfect little men in the whole world. They're just like people, I swear. Their sister went out tonight, so it was just us three men for dinner. The oldest asked if we could go to Old Country Buffet for dinner. Right on.

Three men, loose on a Friday night. We dropped some crazy cash at the video game store, and then went to Old Country Buffet. I made a few trips to the roast beef, each time saying "cut me a few pieces". Save me some trips, man. When I was younger, I used to take the little portions that they gave me, and just make six trips. Now I save us all some time and just ask for twice as much each time.

However, the pinnacle of the evening was when I taught my young seeds one of the most important lessons they will ever learn. This lesson helps define their manhood and shape them into happy, fulfilled adults. I taught them to suck Jell-O through a straw.

SlleeeeeeeeeooooooOOOOOOOORRP! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
"Okay... shhh... quiet down..."
SlooooooooWHUP! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Yes. They're going to be just fine.

2/17/2005 - Traffic Induced Tourettes

I'm trying hard not to swear as much these days. I'm trying to be more mature and refined as I age, plus I think that I sound stupid when I swear a lot. Whenever I swear, I try to stop myself and apologize to God for letting such filthy, angry words spill out. So, as I drive into work, a hidden microphone would capture this...

"You G* D* F*ER! I... I'm sorry, God. Sorry 'bout that one."

Time passes. I come up on an entrance ramp. The guy getting on the expressway is cautious. Too cautious. Then... "GO, you F*ing Q*! GO, OR I'LL G* YOUR K* and TWIST! TWIST, UNTIL YOU SCREAM R*ING G*! R*ING G*! I'll make you W*! You hear me? W*! AND... oh, man... I'm sorry, God. Sorry again, Dude. Didn't mean it."

More time will pass, and I'll have silently resolved that I will be courteous and tolerant, no matter what transpires. I find myself behind a driver who slows for their exit... by five miles an hour... now ten miles an hour slower... now fifteen miles an hour slower... now, believe it or not, twenty miles an hour slower than we were going a quarter mile back, and we haven't even reached their exit ramp. Tell me what you would do. Me, I say "V*! V*!!! T*ING E* V*!"

I've heard that explosive expressions of anger in certain situations are evidence of repressed anger in other areas of one's life. I don't think I have repressed anger anywhere else, though. I think there are just a lot of people who get on the road and are big L*ing morons.

2/15/2005 - Don't Go Away

I love all of my sexy readers in filthy nasty ways, but I had unprecedented illness yesterday. I was feeling out of sorts all weekend, and probably played the worst show of my life Saturday night, but I woke up Monday morning thinking "Dear Lord, please murder me in my sleep and end this misery". That's what I usually think when I wake up, but this time I was sick, too.

So I spent all of Valentine's Day in bed. Alone. Miserable. Whimpering in agony. Thinking "I'm damned glad I don't have a wife or girlfriend to give me a hard time about how whiney men get when they're sick".

I have things that I want to write, but right now... I sti-ill fee-eel si-iiiiick. Whaaa.

2/13/2005 - Get Real

I bought some of those romantic heart candies to keep around the house, since I like to make a festive environment for the kids during any holiday. All I did was buy some candies, though. I like to make a festive environment, but I'm not actually good at it.

So I took four candies, and told my daughter "I'm going to set these next to my chair and pretend that some lover left these for me". I set them next to my chair, turned away for a moment, and then "Oh, my, how wonderful! My lover left me sweet little candies to show me how much she loves me". I picked up the first one, and it said...

GET
REAL

Yeah. Nice.

2/10/2005 - TMI

TMI means "Too Much Information". Hold onto your seats.

We all have that friend that keeps forwarding chain emails. I received one today that offered to give me more insight into myself than I already had. I was surprised at the results.

One question was word association. The words, and my associations, are as follows:
dog - woof
cat - hairy
rat - dirty
coffee - hot
sea - cup

Now, the insight:

Dog - Woof
My word that I associated with Dog implies my own personality. Woof.

Cat - Hairy
This apparantly gives insight into how I view the personality of my partner. I'm partner-less at the moment (four days to go, ladies - get in on the ground floor now), however... yeah. I knew a girl like that once. I warned you people - TMI.

Rat - Dirty
This gives insight into how I view the personality of my enemies. Well, duh.

Coffee - Hot
This supposedly is how I interpret sex. To whoever made this test, that's a cute little trick, but what was I going to say? Bitter?

Sea - Cup
This is supposed to be how I view my own life. True. True.

There you go, people. You now know the true me.

2/9/2005 - Other People's Eyes

I think I've got a pretty good handle on how I generally appear through other people's eyes. It's important to try to get a handle on that. Knowing oneself, and how one fits within the cosmic order is critical to being able to develop oneself. By example, if I thought that I was "Brad Pitt Hot", there would be a mismatch between appearance and attitude, like a lumberjack in a dress, that would make people think "there's something wrong with that guy, but I can't quite figure out what."

Appearance-wise, I've been compared to:

1. Bob Saget


2. Steve from Blue's Clues


3. That dude who played Spiderman

Y'all seeing the pattern? Yeah, there's a clear theme among these guys, so say it with me: "Cute Nerd". (all of you who said "repressed homosexual", please go away).

I realize that this is who I am, and I think I'm okay with it. On one hand, it sure would be nice to have ladies saying "damn, he's hot", instead of "yeah, he's cute". On the other hand, I've noticed something about cute nerds. I've studied this stuff.

Cute nerds turn into really hot older men. They have a politeness and approachability that is goofy in the younger years, but suave in the older years. Personally, I think Sean Connery was a dorky looking dude in his younger years, but he kept in good shape and was cast into such manly roles that he overcame it as a young man. Look at him in Highlander or that Indiana Jones movie, though. His prime was his later years.

I've also known some men personally who were more attractive in their older years. Additionally, my parents were just at their 35th year class reunion, and they told me that the goofiest dude was the one that was most attractive in later years. Old ladies were falling over themselves to get their picture taken with him. I'm serious. I wouldn't lie about this.

So the moral of the story, ladies, is that ten to fifteen years from now, as long as I keep in decent shape, I'm going to be hot. Get in on the ground floor now.

2/8/2005 - Not Funny

Hi Everyone,

I'm not feeling funny lately, so I'm not posting anything. It's not that I don't love you all. Really. Quit getting all weepy on me, okay? Dang. This is exactly why I didn't want to talk about this. Fine, okay? I won't say anything next time. I'll just keep it to myself. Is that what you want?

2/5/2005 - Show Preparations

I'm currently setting up a scenario in which four potential romantic partners may converge at my show next Saturday. My plan is to throw my oiled up body in the middle of these women, like the lion keeper tossing a hunk of meat to the animals. Let them figure out who gets what, if you know what I mean.

Honestly, I think I'm a little full of myself. Of the four women...

• The first has very openly and genuinely shown romantic interest in me. She directly asked me out. Why not? DBAs are hot.


• The second is taking a lot of time to get to know me, but is still clearly proceeding down the path of romantic involvement. She's a nice girl. A really nice girl. Exactly what I want, except I want the nice girl to have a certain edge, privately, that I won't elaborate on.


• The third is either artfully manipulating me or she really doesn't like me. I like to think that she's artfully manipulating me, the little minx. Honestly, odds are that she's not into me, but I'm madly in love with me, so why wouldn't she be? I can't let her make the biggest mistake of her life by walking away from me.


• The fourth is a woman from my past who may just want to use me as an object. Who can blame her? I act like one, why not treat me like one?

Additionally, I had told my daughter that, while I think her mother is a great person and I have a lot of respect for her, I will never get back together with her. However, I would be open to a little (insert squeaking bed sound) on the side. Sexy readers, I was joking. I swear, I was joking. I talk big, but I'm a prude.

Daughter told me that she told her mother! I asked her to tell me, word for word, what she said to her mother.

"My dad said that he doesn't want to get back together, but he's open to a little ee-oo-ee-oo on the side."
"You said 'ee-oo-ee-oo'?"
"Yes."
"I didn't want you to tell her!"
"Sorry."
Pause. Okay, gang, I'm only human. "What did she say?"

There's also a neighborhood woman with an incredibly hot body who has become available again, and had shown interest a few years back.

Of these women, I know exactly which one I want, but I'm also a realist. Maybe that won't work, and if not, I'm back to my good old jaded ways.

2/3/2005 - The Phrase

I saw Joe last night for the first time since our night out this past Saturday. I consider Joe to be one of my closest friends, since him and I have that "say no more, I know exactly what you're talking about" kind of understanding. We had a good time Saturday night, even though I left early. When I left, Joe was dancing with a pretty girl. So I asked.

"Dude, did you get her phone number?"
"Oh, man, I got a couple phone numbers that night, brother."
"A couple? You're kidding!"

Here it comes, everyone. The Phrase. I've heard this quite a few times, and I'm sure some of my loyal sexy readers can guess exactly what came out of Joe's mouth next.

"Dude, right after you left..."
I cut him off immediately. "OH! OH! No, no, no. Don't you dare tell me..."
"...there were beautiful ladies dancing everywhere."

Sexy readers, this is my life.

"Dude, right after you left, Paris Hilton came in."
"No!"
"Yeah! It's cool, though. She was asking every guy if they knew how to do performance tuning on something called SQL Server. She said that she thought that was hot. She was only going to go home with a guy who could do that."
Getting light-headed, I manage to utter "Dude... that's... that's what I do."
"Jay, you said you're a DBA. She was looking for SQL."
Everything goes black after that, and there's a timespan that lasts until about 10am the next morning that I can't seem to account for.

I have heard the phrase "Dude, right after you left" on more than one occassion. I'm starting to think that my presence has a sobering affect on people, and that my exit is like when the teacher leaves the room. This explains a lot, actually.

However, Trikky and Grace both know me well enough, and I think that they get a kick out of watching me party over the edge. It's probably like taking Steve from Blue's Clues and making him do a keg stand.

Thank you, ladies, for seeing the inner bad-boy.

2/2/2005 - Snapped

I snapped this morning. Not in a bad way. I think I've actually achieved enlightenment and become one with my true Buddha-spirit. I have become that tree falling in the woods. Do I make a sound? What is sound? What is Zen? I am in repose, silhouetted against the glow of the computer screen, head cocked slightly like a dog when you ask him strange questions, like "What is the meaning of life, puppy-doggy?"

Doggy gets this look that seems to say "I really wish I could answer you, but you're going to have to rephrase the question to include the word 'treat'."

"Is life just a great big treat?"

"YE-AH!"

Seriously, though, I do feel oddly at peace this morning, and, if I were to get weird about it, it's a sort of understanding of my own ignorance and how I'm being swept in the currents of life. I won't get weird about it, though.

I asked a friend of mine to write a dirty email for me. I think she did, but I haven't read it yet. How can I complain about anything when I have friends like that? Baby, you're the best.

S***n emailed me, too. Her email wasn't dirty, though. I don't think she's capable of that, actually. Every sentence in this paragraph ends with a single word separated from the rest of the sentence, oddly.

K-3 hasn't spoken to me in days. She makes no sense to me. I haven't spoken to her, either. I bet I make no sense to her. We must be a perfect match. I want to have her babies.

(note: I'm recycling a pseudonym, since the original M-Word seems like she's long gone now, but there's a new girl named M-Word)
M-Word seems nice. Religion has come into the conversation. She has asked me if Lutheran is like Catholic, and I am tempted to re-use some of my humor ("Catholic Lite! All the salvation; half the guilt!"), but re-using humor just... isn't funny. Any suggestions for a humorous way to contrast Lutherans and Catholics? Something like "Catholics and Lutherans are exactly the same, just that we don't have to pay."

Thanks for reading, sexy readers. I'm going to go stare off in space for a while and say stupid things like "What is nothingness?"

2/1/2005 - Cheer Me Up

I have been in a funk lately. Not the good kind of funk, like George Clinton, but a "It's right in the middle of a Michigan winter, I haven't seen any real sunshine or a woman in a bikini for a long time, I've had a cough for three weeks, and I don't even have the energy to go out and tear it up like I used to" kinda funk.

Tonight I tried a few things to break out of the funk. To the rest of the world, I probably look like I'm having the time of my life, too. I am, actually. Even when I'm in a downer kinda funk, I'm still having fun.

I looked in the refrigerator, and saw some old celery. I started to throw it in the trash, but then I thought "I am feeling blue, and I have a garbage disposal". To me, a garbage disposal means never having to be bored. I turned on the water, and started peeling stalks off.

I fed the first one into the running disposal. It started spinning like a chihuahua in a flushing toilet. Immediately, I laughed. My world was brighter.

Then I took my daughter out for a girls night out. It's tough having to be the mom and dad at the same time, but ya gotta be devoted to your kids. We went to get our hair cut at Panopolous North. I think it was her first salon experience ever, and she had this little glow in her face afterwards. They treated her right. She begged me to go tanning afterwards.

"Can we go tanning now?"
"No."
"I love you, dad."
"Okay. We'll go tanning."
"Score!"
"Wait... women only love me to get something out of me?"
"Hey, you already said yes. We have to go now. SCORE!"

So we went tanning. As we walked out, I high-fived her and yelled "Girls' Night Out!"

I feel a little better.