8/20/2004 - Request For Input

I received TWO (2) offers to transfer millions of dollars out of Africa today! At this rate, many African countries will be doomed to struggle with civil wars, starvation, and mass human suffering. We can't let this happen!

It gets better. Both of these offers are from THE SAME MAN located in Burkina Faso. I regret that, even though I've heard of Burkina Faso, I don't know much about the country, to the extent that I can't confidently pronounce it. That won't stop me from enjoying myself, though.

The first funny thing - one offer came from a bank in Ouagadougou. I hope that this doesn't offend any Ouagadougouanianites, but your city or state or region must be a delectable adventure to pronounce. I would like to live there so I could wake up every morning and say "I love to live in Ouagadougou!" I would find a way to fit it into every conversation, which would be peculiar, but less peculiar if I were in Ouagadougou than here in conservative Grand Rapids.

Second - one of the emails began with a substantial amount of religious wording. This man prayed and meditated "fervently", which I assume means that this man has been led by God Almighty Himself to me. I imagine the "fervent" prayer. Sweat forming on his brow, turning to blood as he seeks guidance from The Almighty to fraudulently transfer millions of dollars. "Lord God, who can I trust with our Holy Mission?"

These things curiously aren't going away by me replying to them. So I think I need to form my own Counter-Fraud Unit. Now I ask the help of my loyal readers, dear minions. I need a story to give these people in reply, with the same language and urgency as the messages I receive. A long, heartfelt story, peppered with factual information about public figures to make the story seem believable. Some examples, to sharpen your wits:

- That chick from Tomb Raider has infected lips, which have caused them to grow to the freakish proportions we see on screen. I must covertly transfer 30 million dollars of hers to Burkina Faso so she can surreptitiously receive a life-and-lip saving operation.

- Hillary Clinton is really a man, and he must secretly get a sex change operation before he tries to run for president, since being a woman is part of his campaign platform. Of course, this operation must take place in Burkina Faso, since, once the average American reads the headline "Hillary Clinton Becomes A Woman In Burkina Faso", they will think "Burkina Faso must be a rapper", then they'll think that Hillary Clinton is cheating on Bill with a rapper. Infidelity, according to liberal dogma, is a call to arms to support the offender. Hillary's in like Flynn. Vast Right Wing Conspiracy DERAILED! Truth, justice, and vomitous immorality finally prevail! HAIL SATAN!

Okay, sorry about that. Deep breath, Jay.

So, I need the help of my dear, sweet, sexy readers. I know people read this, even though comments are rare. I can only guess that you are shy. Don't be shy. Email me directly at jcvonrosen@yahoo.com with any ideas for stories I can create in reply to my future African beneficiaries.