8/17/2004 - Pent Up

I was looking through some old emails today. I have a friend in Kalamazoo that I literally tell anything, so I tell him graphic thoughts from time to time whenever I'm having trouble dealing with them.

So I found one email, in which I went into the concept of physical intimacy with women at a time when emotional intimacy was impossible. I had gone nearly three weeks without "intimacy" at the time I wrote the email, and I was having strange... urges.

Let me paint the picture with brighter colors for a moment - my marriage had ended two years prior and a long term relationship had ended a month prior. I basically had no skills at initiating contact and evaluating women based on what I wanted out of a long term relationship. Getting into a long term relationship without building the evaluation skills first was really wrong.

But I had crazy mad hormones rushing through the system.

Hopefully, the picture is clear and bright. I had had enough bad experiences that I was blocking these urges. I was denying that I wanted a woman, because women meant pain. Some primitive part of my brain wasn't on board with this thought, though. It believed that women meant pleasure. I'll avoid crude language, but I hope you understand what sort of pleasure it was focusing on.

Now, my brain, programmed to avoid pain, didn't even realize that I was avoiding women. It just seemed natural - stay away from the ladies. Baseball's interesting. My bass was interesting. Women? Huh! Hadn't thought about that.

Primitive desires don't go away, though. So the revelation came while I was watching a cartoon with my children. The Fairly Odd Parents. The mom on the show bent over. I thought "dang, sweetheart, shake that thing a little bit".

A cartoon mom.

So, in this year old email, I was describing this moment - this epiphany. My primitive mind was going to find its lovin' somewhere, and it didn't care where. I can't fight this and pretend that I don't want a little hoo-ha, or else it's going to manifest itself in strange ways.

Like cartoon moms.