2/28/2005 - Fish Out Of Water

I've always been a third party observer in life. Two years ago, I decided that I was sick of that. It wasn't working out for me. I went a few final months goofing around, then cleaned my act up. I cut my hair, and turned back into the guy I used to be.

Why did I change from what I used to be in the first place, though? Because that wasn't working out for me, either.

I've realized that I'm half hippie, half yuppie. I'm complicated. I hate being labeled and categorized, and the world can't stand not being able to label and categorize. I don't fit into any molds, and I've really been trying. My heart's just not in it.

Expectations are everywhere. I really wish I could meet these expectations, but I just have no lust for it. Everyone is running races, crossing goal lines, meeting deadlines, and acquiring possessions. I don't feel any motivation to do that.

My parents let me live my own life and create my own definition of success. Fabulous. That means I have to learn how to map my path before I even start down that path. I guess, since a human life is too valuable to manipulate, it's for the best that they didn't manipulate me, but it's a little overwhelming sometimes.

My Aunt Charlotte died last year. She was married once, divorced, and then never remarried. She had relationships, but my impression was that there were never any marriage-minded relationships. From a traditional point of view, she "died alone".

She was a four-star producer/director. She did some fantastic work. Rather than focusing her energies on meeting the needs of one person, she focused her energies on her passion, which touched thousands of lives. She forewent a single deep romantic relationship in favor of conveying an alternate perspective to thousands of people, making all of them that much more human.

Maybe I'm melodramatic. Maybe I'm making excuses for why I shouldn't try. After twenty years of actively trying, though, do I keep trying? I get no joy from it. I've seen people in romantic relationships that are so hurtful and lonely, yet they remain in these relationships because they don't want to feel rejected and alone. I feel much less rejection now that I'm alone, though.

Fifty years ago, you shut your damned mouth and lived up to your commitment. That's it. You're married, you stay married. Married people live longer. Married people are happier. Married people are not unfairly judged and ostracized by society, because they fell into line and met the expectations.

Oh well.