10/31/2004 - Jay The Handyman

I realize that today is Halloween, and I have nothing to say about it. I want the world to consider me an oasis... a timeless, completely unaware escape from the normal topics of the day. Propaganda from Osama and the attempted spin by presidential candidates will go as unacknowledged as ghosts and goblins.

Instead, I want to offer a bit of wisdom to young men who are clean slates, unaware of how to act in situations. For myself, nothing ever came naturally. Music, math, english, science, social skills, nothing came naturally. As such, the only things I was able to excel at were those things that could be clearly and logically explained. Science, math, and computers could be figured out. Acting manly, social skills, and english were all difficult.

Begin digression. I was confounded by english. I before E except after C or unless it sounds like A, with some exceptions (I think). Sounds to me like a woman made that rule. Another difficulty for me in my youth, illustrated as follows:

Teacher: "Ain't" is not a word.
Me: Sure it is.
Teacher: It's not a part of the English language.
Me: Isn't the English language defined by common usage?
Teacher: In a sense, but standards for the English language are maintained.
Me: By who?
Teacher: "By whom", Jay.
Me Thinking: Oh, dear sweet Jesus.

There's no way for discussions like that to ever amount to anything, because the answer from the teacher invariably ends up being "because that's the way it is." Logic be damned. It seems to me that, if the ultimate authority is academia, without a higher power such as mathematical logic or physical reality available to validate this authority, then the authority is imagined. I could declare myself as the one who defines the English language. If I could convince more people to speak my English, essentially obtaining a mandate from the common man, I could - dare I say - rule the world?

End digression.

So the original point was that I have mastered another of Man's mysterious secrets for being masculine. I'll explain by example. The example is that my dishwasher was leaking. There are two main ways to handle this. Honestly or Manly. As I've mentioned, nothing ever came naturally for me in life, so I would always handle this situation with complete honesty in the past.

Woman: Do you think you can fix it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea. I guess I can try.
[two hours later]
Woman: Wow, it's not leaking anymore. What did you do?
Me: I don't know. I fiddled with a few things. I'm as perplexed as you.

Here's how a Man handles the same situation.

Woman: Do you think you can fix it?
Me: Feh! Of course.
[two hours later]
Woman: Wow, it's not leaking anymore. What did you do?
Me: I re-seated the inlet hose. There was some debris in there.

Now, bear in mind that my core thoughts are completely unchanged between the two scenarios. However, I have made a woman think, "Re-seating an inlet hose sounds complicated. I'm glad I have a man around."

I've realized this, even though I have not actually had a woman around for over three years. I think, at 34 years old, I've finally figured out how to appear manly and confident around women. Most guys figure this out when they're teenagers.

Boys, learn what all the pieces to mechanical things are named, and use the jargon liberally when talking about mechanical things, regardless of the audience. Never say "The plastic hose that squirts the water into the dishwasher"; say "Inlet hose".