10/29/2004 - Protect Yourself From The L-Bomb

Young people of the world, I have some critical advice that you need.

The L-Bomb is used by men and women alike to manipulate the opposite sex. Inherently, people know that emotions can overwhelm logic. This is their ace in the hole, so to speak. They don't have to be good enough for you, because Love Conquers All. The L-Bomb will distract you from the fact that this person is not right for you. So I need to tell you how to protect yourself from The L-Bomb.

First of all, recognize the warning signs. Trust your intuition here. I don't know if there's an undetectable odor, like pheromones, that is emitted. Perhaps there's a barely-detectable breathing pattern that preceeds an L-Bomb attack. Regardless, you will likely sense it right before it comes. Following are some strategies to short-circuit an attack:

New Topic: Bring up a new conversation topic quickly. Something like work or politics or religion. They are associating you with comfort and happiness. Taboo topics break that mind set PDQ. Examples: "How's work?"; "Who ya votin' for?"; "What do you think about the Call To Common Mission between Lutherans and Episcopalians?"
Kiss Quick: A woman can't be talking when your mouth's glued to hers. Finish the kiss quick, then say something like "Hungry? Gosh, I sure could go for some wings! BW3?" She'll think that the moment slipped by, or, even better, she'll think that the moment was entirely in her head, and you'll still look like a hell of a guy. Yes-yes-y'all, you can thank me later.
Shock And Awe: I consider myself a pretty classy guy, so I avoid these moves, but bodily functions usually make a woman think "I was about to tell this beast that I love him?" These are hard to conjure up in the moment between recognition of an impending attack and the attack itself. Additionally, there is a risk factor. I won't elaborate.

The above moves are reactive. However, being proactive will mitigate the risk of an L-Bomb long before they start gathering materials for a Weapon of Mass Distraction. Proactive defense measures follow:

I Knew A Girl: In conversation one day, mention a former girlfriend that dropped The L-Bomb. "Can you believe that? People need to get to know each other for at least (choose one: a week | a month | a year)!"
Don't Be Lovable: When she does nice things for you, just give a simple "Oh... thanks." Additionally, don't make the mistake of saying "You didn't have to do that." Her response will then invariably be "I know. I did it because I wanted to... because... well... I lo..." "CAN YOU BELIEVE IT? EPISCOPALIANS COMMUNING IN MY CHURCH!"
Don't Get Drunk When She's Around: Okay, dummies, there's two things we can't do when we're drunk - drive and keep our mouths shut. Picture yourself terribly hungover the next day listening to the question "Did you really mean what you said last night?", while your feverish little brain tries to remember. Oh no. Oh no no no no...

Keep your stuff, keep your friends, and keep your self respect, kids.