9/6/2004 - That Cute Waitress Last Saturday Night

First entry in my "Blog With A Porpoise"...

Scenario: I was at one of those Mass Produced Middle Of The Road Restaurants, which we'll call Shenanigans, on Saturday night. I was with Boo and Inigo, and we were being served by a cute little blond with a sweet smile, who we'll call Cindy, since that's her real name.

Cindy was a doll. An absolute doll. The best thing about her was that smile. It was a little reserved, a little shy, but so genuine and sweet. It was pretty obvious to Boo that I was watching Cindy. I don't remember what Boo said to me, since I was probably watching Cindy, but it was something like "she's looking at you guys - I think she likes you".

"Yeah, right! I can't get her to make eye contact".
"Because she knows that, once she looks in your eyes, she's going to lose control".

Okay, I know when I'm being bamboozled. So I gracefully called her on it.

"Bull!"

Now, Boo looks me directly in the eyes and says "When a woman can't look you in the eyes, she's probably really interested in you, but she's too scared. It's the ones that look you right in the eyes that don't like you". Again, Boo says this looking me directly in the eyes.

?!? You're walking home.

"What you need to do, Jay, is flick your tongue out when you order another beer".
"Like this? I'll-ll have a Samuell-ell Adams. Ll-lll-ell-ll". Then I touch my nose with my tongue.
Inigo pipes in with something to the effect of "He's legendary".
Boo is in a fit of laughter at this point. "The bottom of your tongue is disgusting!"
The bottom of my tongue is like a placenta, and I know this, since I've stared at the thing in the mirror for extended periods of time. So touching my nose with my tongue is out.

Well, I'm seriously considering the fact that I need to put some swerve on Cindy. Boo and Inigo are having the time of their lives trying to play out scenarios, but I've blocked them out for the most part by this point. I can speculate that they said things like...

"Hey, baby... ll-lll-ell-ll."
"Oh, my! I've lost control!"

How did this play out? Jay turns into The Tongue Creature From The Depths, as Boo and Inigo have a grand time. I think Boo wanted Inigo to drive her home, since she couldn't get back in the car with that THING!

All in all, it was fun, since Boo and Inigo are two of the best people in the whole stinking world, but how do I rate the scenario in my quest? I didn't walk out of there with contact information for Cindy, so I made no progress towards that goal. I'll rate the night in a few categories related only to my quest, from 1-10...

Progress - How much progress did I make towards meeting a woman
1 = Total failure, I alienated someone.
10 = I met a potential ex-wife.
Wildness - How wild was the night
1 = I could have been in church.
10 = Where are my pants? Who are you? Where's my spleen?
Missed Opportunity - Was there a potential that I didn't pursue
1 = No opportunities at all.
10 = A beautiful girl with a good personality totally slipped away.

Progress: 3 - I didn't scare her away, but not talking to a woman is the same as slowly scaring her away.
Wildness: 3 - It was like church with beer. That would actually be really cool. YEAH, JESUS!
Missed Opportunity: 7 - This girl was very cute and seemed to have a good disposition and fun personality. She may have been too young for me, though, and I usually don't go for waitresses.

So I learned some lessons. Next time, the tongue is coming out.