8/31/2004 - Input

Hey, you people are some funny sons of guns. As loyal, sexy readers may know, I have been receiving emails from many people in Africa asking my assistance in transferring millions of dollars into the States. The stories are all different and crazy, and usually make reference to my "trustworthiness", which is why they ask me to assist them in fraud (naturally!).

Gang, before any dorks start trying to tell me that this is a scam, and these stories that they tell me aren't true, let me just mention that I realize this. It's all a scam, but, in modern America, we have reached a level of wealth and comfort that I have enough leisure time to make a hobby of analyzing and replying to spam.

A week or so ago, I posted a "Request For Input", in which I asked my loyal, sexy readers to offer some scenarios in response to the aforementioned "scam spam" (or "Scpam"), and I have received the following submissions:

Kumar Singh, from Sopchoppy, Florida presents "Scpam Reply 1" -

In return for my assistance, I'd like to ask you to assist in a clandestine campaign contribution to the Kerry/Edwards campaign. I will transfer $5 million to your account, which you may keep $2 million for your efforts, and transfer the remaining $3 million to the Democratic Party...

Kumar continued with very clear directions, including some comment about how there needed to be $1000 in the receiving account, due to some fees or something. At any rate, the whole scenario sounded too realistic for me, and I'm thinking that Kumar may have accidentally revealed an actual plan.

Jesus Gracias, from Hopeulikit, GA submitted "Scpam Reply 2", which I have affectionately subtitled "One-Two Punch" -

Yeah, right. I don't believe you, you spammer. Go and trick somebody else dummer.

Whether or not Jesus spelled "dummer" like that on purpose is inconsequential. Jesus gets a big A+ for being direct. Oh, and thanks for dieing for my sins, dude. That was really cool.

Margarita Finlayson, from Bugscuffle, Tennessee offered "Scpam Reply 3" -

I don't know who you are, but you're really creeping me out.

Leave it to a woman to totally miss the point, but still make you feel ashamed.

I've also received a substantial amount of emails that merely say something like "quit being such an idiot". While those were direct, they lack imagination. I don't think that I'll use those as a reply to the spammers.

Thank you, every single one of you who contributed. Your reward is in Heaven.