9/23/2004 - Road Rage

I get really upset while I'm driving. I'm really an even tempered person, though. If you see me in person, I am slow to anger, a good listener, and always respectful of others' points of view.

However, when I'm driving, you'd better not be driving like a damned moron.

My first gripe is people who drive too slow. I live at the intersection of two 55 MPH roads. On each of these roads, many of my fellow citizens decide that 55 MPH is too generous for them. They obviously believe that they should lead a grassroots campaign to lower the speed limit near my house to 35 MPH. I'm tempted to break into their houses while they're trying to cook dinner and turn down their oven from 375 to 275. I think that 375 is too hot - I don't want to cook at that temperature, and they shouldn't, either.

So, in review, I believe that the speed limit should be viewed as a lower limit. On a 55 MPH road, 55 MPH is the minimum. What's my rush? I'll tell you what my damned rush is! Wait! I'll tell you later! Get out of my way!

Another thing that bugs me is specific to Grand Rapids. On the East Beltline, all of the lights from I-96 up to Plainfield are timed. If a person drives slightly under 55 MPH on that stretch, they will catch every green light, given no traffic. People who know this fact have gotten silly nuts with this knowledge. Here's a description of what they do.

They drive approximately 60 MPH. About a half mile from the red light, they begin to slow down to approximately 45 MPH. Those of us who drive normally will pass the Stop Light Ranger at this point. We reach the stop light and we stop. Seems logical.

However, the genius, foresight, and planning of a Stop Light Ranger puts them about five yards in front of the light at the moment it changes, still traveling at 45 MPH. They scream through a freshly hatched green light, flying past those of us who drive merely to get from A to B. They are magnificent. We are dolts.

As near as I can figure, the main objective of this game is to remain in front of the other cars for the majority of the time. I tested this theory on three separate occassions with the following method: at any point on the course, I would remain abreast, yet slightly behind The Ranger.

Yes, Beavis, I said "abreast".

My theory is that, in this position of potentially passing The Ranger and nullifying their lead, they would increase their speed slightly. Additionally, as they slowed down in the half mile warning track before the next light, they would lose their edge if their competitor was slowing down with them. The competitor was supposed to continue forward to the stoplight to look foolish! Look foolish, damn you!

Results: During one experiment, my Ranger and I reached 80 MPH due to my pesky presence in the "just about to pass" zone. The Ranger had no algorythm for this event! Were his brain cobbled together with inferior hardware, it surely would have melted. Luckily, the wind caused by the excessive speed helped to super-cool the cranium. Meltdown blessedly avoided.

Since the primary objective is to remain in the forefront for the longest time, The Ranger's speed increased with no apparant limit. There was no safety valve in the driver's head to say "Stop goofing around once it gets ridiculous." Of course there was nothing to stop it once it got ridiculous, since the entire premise was ridiculous from the beginning!

As we slowed, I maintained my position slightly behind the leader. The leader slowed more. With approximately 1/4 mile to the stoplight, the speed had dropped to under 30 MPH.

I was quite literally messing up the one single area of their lives where they felt superior. It was magnificent!

My other two experiments had very much the same results, although not to the same proportions. Both of the other experiments triggered the realization that I was changing my driving habits in an attempt to dominate the other drivers, which is exactly what I thought was so damned stupid in the first place.

Due to my frustration with other people on the road, though, I am planning on modifying the horn on my car to honk when I'm not pushing on the horn. The implication is that I want to tell everyone that they're idiots by default, and I will stop honking for the rare driver that doesn't tick me off. Picture an incessant "HONNNNNNNK!" peppered with my voice yelling, "You're all idiots! Every last one of you!" from underneath the permahonk. That would sound great with the whole doppler effect. "hhhhhoooooOOOOONNNNNNNNKKKkkkkkkk(idiots!)kkkkk...."